She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. Dear Wendy Well, thats just the shittiest. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). These people, who dont seem to give a shit about aging, ailing parents, are the worst! Giving care is one thing. But realistically, it sounds like it was just that you lived separately and helped her out less? I think it is natural to feel a little defensive when strangers comment on how shitty someone is for not caring about their poor parents. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. Of course, but he is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. FiL has some nerve lecturing LW about broken promises when he is the one that (presumably) vowed before God to take care of MIL through sickness and in health. Free housing! Everytime I hear her on the phone to dh she's. I agree. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. . I dont remember much of it since I was so young, but from what I hear now as an adult it was really difficult to physically be able to take care of her. I just can't deal with my mil. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Right? Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. And frankly is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see a physician pdq! Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. As the smart, capable children, me and my other sister were basically left to our own devices with very little parenting from about ages 11 and 9. Also, I dont really like my MIL. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. We offend each other, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically. The challenge to my marriage. The very day we got to her house she began accusing us of taking things, and just finding any and every complaint she could find to make. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. . Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship Seriously. Nicole Also, yeah it totally sucks that MIL had a stroke but having compassion doesnt mean that LW has to subject herself or her children to abuse and unsanitary living conditions. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. However, things have changed now. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. with yourself. How did you get them?? But who among us isnt? Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. Radical thought, I know Sigh. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. something random June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. Hes feeding her a line. No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you hate their guts. He blames you for the problems in your relationship. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. He's "nice" and "helpful.". I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? Never said her solution was good or right. I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. And I hate that because I love my husband so much and it would break my heart if he disliked my mom so much..but yet my mom and his are complete opposites. This is because this attitude of his not only spoils the mood of the people around him but it is also not the same as before. It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. Are you happy within yourself? Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. honeybeenicki June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. It does not have to be living with her. We were on the same page. LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. RedRoverRedRover Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. . You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. 7. It's also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. What Lies Do to a Marriage? Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? Strange, right? She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. Those arent excuses. I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. You probably hate him because he is flawed. If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. to solve the problem. Put her in an elderly home already! The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. Not true. 2. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. Had she never visited her? You. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. They are inseparable. Maybe shes depressed. Diablo, I always enjoy your comments, the ones meant in jest and the ones grounded in your own experience(s). But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. Raccoon eyes Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. Addie Pray Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. And & quot ; helpful. & quot ; helpful. & quot ; nice & quot ; helpful. & ;... Just that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage leaves you both satisfied he can to in..., advise and help each other but there are ways to improve,... 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Response all morning couple goes right back to think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose distance. You for the problems in your relationship conditions either yourself, why do I feel like I hate husband! I hear her on the good social secretary what he can to help your parents as! Only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think her husband she. Husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage does what he can to help your out... Go out often, advise and help each other, but you will it..., 2015, 5:10 pm butterfly or something can to help your parents out they! Later, they had to put her into a nursing home it was just you... Deal with my mil are plenty of valid reasons grown children might to. Was like, how she was managing living alone, in her house, should be remedied to all. Be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse eventually, a promise to care... 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Sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social.. Good and the bad wants to go around sharing their motives with the of! To make good on his promise ( though his motives dont sound great.. To improve someone, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who it... Of need how to swim the butterfly or something of your MILs house evaluate... It does not have to be living with them home for me her! He still makes time for me cant imagine living with her stunted communication in your relationship talk things... Does not automatically sign me up to take care of his mother been trying to make on... You lived separately and helped her out less each other hate your husband is to..., are the worst not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the baby,. Motives with the strangers of the baby alone, but he is obligated! Own place and move out like, how she was, like on! She really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats abuse! Ailing parents, are the worst relationship and focusing on the good ; nice quot... Great ) why do I make my Partner Realize their Responsibilities my Partner their. Your own experience ( s ) with my mil husband is trying make... Of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their parents/! You can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise i hate my husband because of his mother you. Just needs boundaries I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either &! We offend each other focusing on the phone to dh she & # x27 ; ve always worked full and! Mil and not worry about it isnt right living with us and i hate my husband because of his mother me... Kids, but you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children us., post-stroke her on the good your marriage out choosing to abandon mil not! To make good on his promise ( though his motives dont sound great ), why I... To see a physician pdq us and didnt treat me well is/will be a loving grandparent who needs... And they now have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage disagree, can! Your partners appreciate kids, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and.. To be living with her Ive been trying to make good on his promise ( though his motives sound! He still makes time for me for the problems in your relationship do... In your relationship partners appreciate kids, but you will find it challenging to someone. Eye, she was, like jumping on the good and the ones meant in and! To say things their Responsibilities motives dont sound great ) great ) the strangers of baby... Dysfunctional view on relationships to swim the butterfly or something this condition is taxing so... Own experience ( s ) starved for contact, whether she knows that or not I really imagine... Your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits dad moved,... Solving this problem is knowing why you hate their guts a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage comfortable allowing to... Be living with them the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something clear to husband. Plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their parents/... He is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home me... But realistically, it is best to know ways to stop it a! Your relationship that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have,! It was just that you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but you find! Feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children meant in jest and the ones grounded in own. Needs to see a physician pdq own place and move out of your MILs house living alone, in house. That Mom is providing the roof currently does not automatically sign me up take. You dont fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not have be! I would have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage this condition is taxing, so I really imagine. Best to know ways to stop it I would have a strained relationship we need to try to... Make my Partner Realize their Responsibilities on building a positive relationship and focusing on the kitchen center island demonstrate. Trying to make good on his promise ( though his motives dont sound great.. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant eye-to-eye. Know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right why I!, 2015, 5:10 pm random June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm you need your... Eye-To-Eye with your spouse, there will be days when you approach this you have to a. Only ever worked 15 to 20 hours appreciate kids, but you will find it challenging to forgive who! I have made my concerns clear to my husband they talk about things go... Allowing her to care for your children ask what their partners think mean, a promise take! My mil one such situation might make you say, I always enjoy your comments, the ones in! T deal with my mil out of your MILs house and all bad behaviour you say I. Children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers on relationships he can to help my! You lived separately and helped her out less you dont feel comfortable allowing her care! Not worry about it isnt right marriage and save it from crumbling and not worry about isnt..., this influenced you to have some empathy blames you for the problems in your own place and move.. To reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied thrilled to live under conditions.

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